Topic: ¡è¡è Smile please ¡è¡è

PLEASE POST YOUR JOKE

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

- Dad! Dad! Our car was just stolen!
- Did you see the thieves?
- Yes!
- Do you think you could recognize them?
- No, but I wrote the car' license plate!

-----

Two old guys talking:
- Do you prefer sex or Christmas?
- Sex. There's Christmas every year.

-----

Politicians and diapers must be changed every day. For the same reason.

-----

- Sex?
- Three times a week.
- No, I mean male or female?
- Doesn't matter.
Edited by Tsukihi Phoenix on 7/11/12 at 12:38:08 pm

A graduate student of mathematics who used to come to the
university on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle.
“Where did you get the bike from?” his friends want to know.”It’s a
`thank you’ present”, he explains, “from that freshman girl I’ve been
tutoring. But the story is kind of weird…” “Tell us!” “Well”, he
starts, “yesterday she called me on the phone and told me that she
had passed her math final and that she wanted to drop by to thank me in
person. As usual, she arrived at my place riding her bicycle. But when
I had
let her in, she suddenly took all her clothes off, lay down on my bed,
smiled at me, and said: `You can get from me whatever you desire!’”

One of his friends remarks: “You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle.”

“Yeah”, another friend adds, “just imagine how silly you would
have looked in girls clothes – and they wouldn’t have fit you anyway!”
-=-=-
Q: How are math and sex the same?
A: I don’t get either one.
-=-=-
A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better:
a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: “A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment.”
The mathematician: “A wife. You have security.”
The computer scientist: “Both. When I’m not with my wife, she thinks I’m with
my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it’s vice versa. And I can be with my
computer without anyone disturbing me…”

There is a group of five statisticians on a 'train. At the next stop, five
epidemiologists get on. They all seem to know each other and start
chatting. It transpires that each of the epidemiologists has bought a
ticket, but the statisticians have only bought one between the five of
them. "Why did you do that?" asks one of the epidemiologists. "Surely
you're going to get caught and. thrown off the train". "Just wait and see!",
smiles one of the statisticians.

As the ticket inspector is approaching to check everyone's tickets, the
statisticians all go off to the nearest toilet -the inspector passes the
epidemiologists and inspects all their tickets then moves on and notices
that the toilet is locked. "Tickets please!" shouts the inspector. One of
the statisticians pushes their ticket under the toilet door, which the
inspector checks and returns under the door. Once the inspector has
gone, all the statisticians return to their seats to the awe and amazement
of the epidemiologists. "That's incredibly clever!" says one of the
epidemiologists.

A few weeks later they all find themselves on the same train again. They
sit together and start chatting once more. "We've done what you
suggested", says one of the epidemiologists, "and just bought one ticket
between the five of us!". "Oh really", says one of the statisticians, "we
haven't bought ANY tickets this time!". The epidemiologists look at each
other in amazement. "OK, one ticket between you is fine but not buying
any at all is ludicrous! "

As the ticket inspector approaches the epidemiologists hurry off to the
toilet. Once they're inside the statisticians follow them. "Tickets please! "
shouts one of the statisticians. The ticket appears under the door and
they take it away and all bundle into a different toilet. The inspector gets
to the toilet with the epidemiologists in it. "Tickets please!" he shouts.
No reply. "Tickets please!". The epidemiologists admit defeat and come
out of the toilet only to be thown off at the next station.

The moral of this story: Epidemiologists should not attempt to use statistical
methods without fully understanding the theory behind them.

Why won't shrimp share?
Because they're a little shellfish.

A jokes for you all

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

My mother: "The meat is kind of tough."
Me: "Is it Ford tough?"
My mother: "Yup. It's like chewing on a truck."

Funny Father's Day Joke:
One student fell into a cycle ofclasses, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until hereceived the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

"I don't take kindly to insults"
"Funny, with a face like yours, I'd have thought you'd be used to it by now."

Thanks for it ogbus.